There are days when God seems like a blocked stream, trickling onto leaves. You sit in the river bed and wait impatiently for the dam to break, but the water doesn't pour forth. Even though you are standing in His path, you can only absorb the water through your finger tips. This feeling makes me want to jump in a lake or river even though it's close 57 degrees outside and raining. I usually really enjoy the rain, but I didn't sleep last night and I'm in a fog. My brain is all mixed up and I feel like I need some encouragement. But not in the sense of "Oh Emily, I'm sorry I hope you feel better". I want a devotion. I look to God, I'm reading his word more and more but I feel like I need another person to come along side me and tell me something personal and biblical. I've had so many girls come into my dorm and ask questions, telling me their stories. Each time I send them away with scripture but I wish there was someone I could go to. It's not as though there aren't wonderful people around me that couldn't help me. I'm just not sure what's wrong with me. I want to feel exhilarated again. I almost had it today, The bus stopped earlier than my bus stop so I just got off there and decided to walk the rest of the way. Then I looked over where the train tracks were and I saw a path, so I went over and the path went on between trees and alongside the train tracks. I finally felt a bit of God there. I was alone and had my thoughts to myself and God. The ground was wet and I felt as if I could walk forever. eventually the road ended but it reminded me so much of Oregon, i felt a little homesick. I miss walking out my front door and smelling Autumn. I miss being able to walk where ever without fearing for my safety, that I could go on long walks in the rain and snow in fallen leaves and completely surrounded by life untouched. All week i wanted to find a swing set, I miss swinging but even if I did find one I don't think I could be there alone. God has made my life more blessed than I could have ever imagined though. I mean I have so much to be thankful for, that I ever did have those feelings of discovery and mystery. That he gave me an eye for seeing the beauty in things that normally are plain or ugly. God really has blessed me with a wonderful family, extended included and amazingly funny and spiritual friends. Even the friends that aren't spiritual challenge me to pour into them all I have because if I only have one life to live I'm going to try and make the people around me as happy and blessed as I am. God has wonderful things in store for me. If I intend to live an extraordinary life i have to start becoming an extraordinary person. and these little ditches in the road are God's way of shaping my character. I need to schedule some God and me time all alone in the wilderness, cause that's where I usually find him. it's where I talk to him out loud and cry for his spirit. He makes me better and fills my soul so I can pour it out once more. Just writing this helps the dam in the metaphor break a little more. Soon the river bed will be filled again and I can regain my strength. If i follow in the way of the Lord I will not be defeated. Choosing his course will push me further to speak for his cause. If he is willing to use me then i want him to clean me out.
:-)
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