Confirmation is Good

Okay I know the last few posts have been sad (not my intention) but when I get in moods to write they are usually because I need to express a bitter part of me that not a lot of my friends and family get to see. I'm almost always very happy and this blog is a way for me to share my sadness or activism without losing my focus or crying hahaha. But I'll start off on a happy note because it's not like my life is miserable. I lead a very happy life. i love my family and they love me and my extended family is awesome! I had a chat with my grandma the other night which made me soooo very happy! I'm so glad she called I was thinking about her the other night cause it smelled like her garden when the sprinklers just turn off. So that was unexpected and wonderful. I'll have to just call people myself cause I can't sit here and wait for that to happen again (=. Also happy news I was getting back to my directors class and everyone in my area is gathered around. I come over and ask whats happening and this guy named Dave says he has a question for me. Oh really? I ask and he says that he and his friend heard about this film festival. Its a short film of 15 minutes max and can be any genre of film include a tv pilot. The grand prize is 500,000 dollars, being entered in the venice italy film festival and a chance to work with Ridley Scott and I was wondering if you wanted to join us? I kind of gaped at him and said, this is a question? hahaha so I'm in and we already have a story line set in place. now to just get the film in action. We were also thinking about getting it entered into a few film contests so I'm really excited about that. God has really been encouraging me in this area. i mean I asked him to but I didn't expect it to take off like it has. i can't believe half of this is going on haha. I know I need to start making contacts and getting myself out there so I've decided to join the NBS which is the national broadcast society. I actually helps me network with people. I want to be a part of this industry so I can change and influence people like never before. Someone once asked me what type of films I wanted to do and I told them I wanted to make obscure films that were slightly offensive to the general public. I'm sure they didn't quite know what I was talking about but I meant that I didn't want to seduce my audience with a fantasy of lies about what life could be, I wanted to tell them the hard truth about life and make them uncomfortable in their seats. Being comfortable means you aren't going to change or aren't willing to. I want to inspire people so I have to point out what is wrong with the world now and show them the lies that they've been taught. I want to unveil the reasons why there is so much misery and not blame it on someone else. So yes I want to make films that are offensive hahaha. But you know, in a good way (= haha Obviously I'm using the wrong words to describe what I'm going to do with my films but I do want to inspire people to take more care of their lives and the lives around them. I'm so happy with God has done in my life! I'm sooo happy that he has made this obvious to me, not a lot of people get that and I know it's going to be hard but at least I'm not the person who i need to count on. In other unrelated news I just wanted to thank all the people out there whom I'm able to share my innermost fears and problems. Which is only two (= It's hard for me to talk about such things but I'm working towards not being afraid of that anymore and I'm working towards not having that be a problem anymore or at least suppressing it until it can be of better use. All I know is that God told me at convo that he would never leave me nor forsake me.

Massive Attack to the Heart

Sometimes when things are too tough to deal with, you block everything away. Well not everything...you block all the good things about it so that when it comes up all the things you remember are bad and you can just hate it without feeling guilty. I feel like I just had a heart attack. I'm sitting at my grandma's table watching the screen savers on her computer of our lives together and then a picture of me and Will at my sixteenth birthday party comes up. Immediately I'm in search of this file to delete it. But nothing is really labeled as grandma starts to tell me while I frantically scourer the computer for something slightly familiar. As I look through each able I see all these horrible pictures of me. I swear I look like a hobbit. I'm midway between Bilbo and an orc. puberty was not nice to me haha. Although this may sound like a downer it's really not because I feel like a babe now haha. Anyway I finally find the file and as I flip through each photo (deleting as I go); I remember all the happy feelings. Everyone is enjoying themselves and weirdly enough there are a lot of photos of Will. And there's this one photo of Will sitting on the couch with me that struck me. You know how in a lot of photos you can tell it's a fake smile or that they don't want to be in it or that they were caught off guard in a moment of pure joy but would otherwise look...fake. There's a lot of falseness in a photo or you feel like something is missing, your not in that moment with them and I'm a photographer I know what I'm seeing. This photo had none of it. He was looking directly into the lens smiling. You were there with him in that moment. Will Hasn't looked me straight in the eye for close to five years. He just looked happy to be there, no qualms about anything. and I knew everything that happened, everything that changed, everything I did and said and everything he accused me of. I used to think that we weren't really friends and so I didn't really lose anything. But everything that went down wasn't petty hate or drama. I wanted him as a friend again because he was actually my friend for some odd reason. The friend of a hobbit/Orc haha. I miss him. But I know he has changed a lot from the happy-go-lucky guy I saw in that photo.

Bombs are Falling

I've always hated hypocrisy. It's one of the reasons why I am the way that I am. If you tell me I did something wrong I will try and fix it. My sister told me that I had a simple soul and that I was humble and a person who could not be judged because there was nothing to judge me about. I'm glad about that but it was really hard to get there. fighting a daily fight against all my temptations and inclinations. Knowing just how to treat my sinful nature. So when my friends fall on the battle fields I feel like i'm the only one standing strong and I wonder who it's all for. I'm doing it for God. I'm doing it for his Glory, but if no one is seeing my battle and being encouraged then why am i even fighting the little things? It's times like this when I want to scream at the people who are making mistakes. I see the seed of evil and the results are always the same. But the people involved don't make the connection and just think that those consequences are just life and it happens sometimes. That it's normal. Stop thinking it's normal!!! It's not!! You were not made to suffer!!! Not made to suffer through selfishness. As soon as I'm ready to make that judgment call though I'm reminded that only God can do that. I was talking to a friend tonight and was hinting at some things that I'm not proud of him doing. But he really didn't get the hint haha in fact it turned a different direction. I told him that most people don't see their own mistakes even when others point it out to them and he knew he was no exception. I knew it too but I didn't think I had ever really called him out on any of his fall backs. And then he thanked me for it. He said it was kind of an understatement that I didn't say anything. That was basically our conversation and I guess this was God's way of saying that people are watching even if I can't see it. That I had made an impression on someone that I care about and hopefully God could work through that. I'm sad and disappointed about some of the things that he does and the same goes out to a lot of my friends but I still love them. They are so dear to me and I hate seeing them have to go through this. I pray that they make it to the other side.

Making it Happen

In an effort to secure my dream of becoming a Director/cinematographer I asked God to give me some encouragement. I had been feeling out of my league when it came to film and I thought maybe I would do better at just becoming a photographer. It's not something that I hate doing, I really enjoy it. I've taken thousands of photos and had so much fun with the people and exploring the places. But I know if I made it a career i would hate it and my work wouldn't be as good. Therefore I asked God that if he really wanted me to continue on this road he would have to open some doors and close some doors. The next day my sister received a call from our friend Ricky who was ecstatic with my stop motion project. She told me he wanted to introduce me to Justin Kintzel and the Director of the new film department at Liberty University! I'm completely stoked!! God is sooo good! Seriously I love that he can give this kind of encouragement. But I do have to follow up on all of this to make sure it actually happens. That's the thing, what I really wanted to talk about today. I'm watching all of my brilliant friends get stuck in small towns and losing their zeal for adventure and industry. They are so much more intelligent than they think they are but to put it to good use they need to be able to say goodbye to their friends and family. obviously not forever but it's not like there aren't other amazing people where you are going. There are millions of fantastic people with all sorts of personality traits and wisdom waiting to be your friend. People in your field of work and people who have traveled all over the world with a million stories! If you really want to do something with your life, forget the past! forget the present! start making connections and using the contacts you have to make your life happen (= There is no time like the present to get started. Don't be afraid, seriously if you aren't assertive people won't think you can handle anything haha. Get your name out there. Create something and tell others that it's important. You might even have to tell yourself that its important as well haha. Because if you have insecurities about your work others are going to see that. Be Bold! If you want something perfect take as much time as you need to make it perfect. quality is better. People appreciate hard workers. I'm working really hard to get where I want to be and God is directing my path and encouraging the work that he did in me to be shown in the world.

The New Year Resolution

The Much Needed Help

Well its that wonderful time of year again. Where everyone rings out their necks and sleeps through classes and stays up late screaming in the streets because their finals are done. I finished two classes already and a few of them are already really really easy finals. The one I really have to look out for is my hisotry final waaaaaaah waaaaahhhh waaaaaahhhh!! It's cumulative! >.< My roommate and I are going nuts. She hates cartoons....every kind of animation. So claymation and all my favorite holiday movies are out of the question. So is Disney. She wouldn't even let me put lights up, reason: It's not Christmas yet, and you won't be here for Christmas, you'll have to take them down in a week anyways why are you putting them up?- me: why am i taking them down in a week? krystell: because we'll be gone and when we get Christmas will be over. me: noooo, I'm going to keep them up as long as there is snow! or until February because they are twinkle lights and they make the room pretty. Her face is now shock and horror, like if you grabbed her top lip and her bottom lip and decided they needed a time out from each other. I won eventually but our adventures don't stop there. one night we had gone up to snowflex and she had me drive back down because she had a huge headache. it was so bad we had to carry her up 3 flights of stairs to the dorm and get her into bed. The next morning I wake up to a text message saying abby forgot that she was taking care of food for Sunday so I coaxed Krystell into giving me a ride there. Lots of decorating, lots of laundry, lots of panic. But that day was fun none the less, I made a gingerbread house, went on a photoshoot with some of the girls on the hall. Then came back and hung out with Chris and Andy. All of this to tell you why Krystell was on drugs that one dreadful night. She had taken way more advil then she needed and was complaining about how hot it was and how she loved being on drugs. >.< but I was also really....really hyper so she's screaming and running around the hall saying how hot it is and how hot she is and I'm trying to grab her face and quote The Help YoU iS kInD! yOu Is SmArT!! yOu Is ImPoRtAnT!!!! oh geez I was scaring her and she was screaming and it was SO MUCH FUN! In other news I'm happy to be coming home. I'm taking the train, metro, and then plane. Hope to see you all soon!

A Man Like David

There are people out there that you ache to help. You see them in pain and every fiber of your being screams out to help them, but you want to help in the perfect way. You want them to be uplifted and see God's glory. That's how I feel about people who were once close to God but can't bring themselves to reconcile with Him again. People who blame God for things and people who see God as punishing and cruel. I can tell you I don't know what God has in store but I'm positive his ways are higher. He knows what is for good and he can make the bad decisions of leaders have made into blessings. In the bible David is a man after God's own heart but he falters. He lusts after Bathsheba and sleeps with her. In the end she gets pregnant so David tries to cover up his wrongs. David gets one of his servants to call her husband Uriah so that maybe he will sleep with his wife and nobody with know what he's done. But Uriah is honorable and tells David that if none of the men on the battle field get to come home to their wives then he won't either, even when David gets him drunk! Eventually David orders him dead, He Murders Uriah. Tell me that was in God's plan. God is so angry with David, in the end the child from that adulterous affair is taken away from David. But what about Bathsheba? She had to endure being raped and then having her husband murdered. How could a God do something like that? He didn't. Sin is in the world. God does not make people do evil things for he is a good God. But to Bathsheba he gave the line to Jesus. Written in Matthew is the line to David where Bathsheba is mentioned. Bathsheba gave birth to Solomon, the wisest man alive! More women with shady backgrounds were mentioned are glorified through this line to Jesus. Don't let the sins of others turn you away from God. People who are respected, like David a King and Prophet, fall prey to sin as well. God does not condone the sinful natures of others. Satan is blocking your way to Christ by his works in a man like David. God is reaching for you and all he wants is you. The only way to get you past this pain is by going to him!