Confirmation is Good

Okay I know the last few posts have been sad (not my intention) but when I get in moods to write they are usually because I need to express a bitter part of me that not a lot of my friends and family get to see. I'm almost always very happy and this blog is a way for me to share my sadness or activism without losing my focus or crying hahaha. But I'll start off on a happy note because it's not like my life is miserable. I lead a very happy life. i love my family and they love me and my extended family is awesome! I had a chat with my grandma the other night which made me soooo very happy! I'm so glad she called I was thinking about her the other night cause it smelled like her garden when the sprinklers just turn off. So that was unexpected and wonderful. I'll have to just call people myself cause I can't sit here and wait for that to happen again (=. Also happy news I was getting back to my directors class and everyone in my area is gathered around. I come over and ask whats happening and this guy named Dave says he has a question for me. Oh really? I ask and he says that he and his friend heard about this film festival. Its a short film of 15 minutes max and can be any genre of film include a tv pilot. The grand prize is 500,000 dollars, being entered in the venice italy film festival and a chance to work with Ridley Scott and I was wondering if you wanted to join us? I kind of gaped at him and said, this is a question? hahaha so I'm in and we already have a story line set in place. now to just get the film in action. We were also thinking about getting it entered into a few film contests so I'm really excited about that. God has really been encouraging me in this area. i mean I asked him to but I didn't expect it to take off like it has. i can't believe half of this is going on haha. I know I need to start making contacts and getting myself out there so I've decided to join the NBS which is the national broadcast society. I actually helps me network with people. I want to be a part of this industry so I can change and influence people like never before. Someone once asked me what type of films I wanted to do and I told them I wanted to make obscure films that were slightly offensive to the general public. I'm sure they didn't quite know what I was talking about but I meant that I didn't want to seduce my audience with a fantasy of lies about what life could be, I wanted to tell them the hard truth about life and make them uncomfortable in their seats. Being comfortable means you aren't going to change or aren't willing to. I want to inspire people so I have to point out what is wrong with the world now and show them the lies that they've been taught. I want to unveil the reasons why there is so much misery and not blame it on someone else. So yes I want to make films that are offensive hahaha. But you know, in a good way (= haha Obviously I'm using the wrong words to describe what I'm going to do with my films but I do want to inspire people to take more care of their lives and the lives around them. I'm so happy with God has done in my life! I'm sooo happy that he has made this obvious to me, not a lot of people get that and I know it's going to be hard but at least I'm not the person who i need to count on. In other unrelated news I just wanted to thank all the people out there whom I'm able to share my innermost fears and problems. Which is only two (= It's hard for me to talk about such things but I'm working towards not being afraid of that anymore and I'm working towards not having that be a problem anymore or at least suppressing it until it can be of better use. All I know is that God told me at convo that he would never leave me nor forsake me.

Massive Attack to the Heart

Sometimes when things are too tough to deal with, you block everything away. Well not everything...you block all the good things about it so that when it comes up all the things you remember are bad and you can just hate it without feeling guilty. I feel like I just had a heart attack. I'm sitting at my grandma's table watching the screen savers on her computer of our lives together and then a picture of me and Will at my sixteenth birthday party comes up. Immediately I'm in search of this file to delete it. But nothing is really labeled as grandma starts to tell me while I frantically scourer the computer for something slightly familiar. As I look through each able I see all these horrible pictures of me. I swear I look like a hobbit. I'm midway between Bilbo and an orc. puberty was not nice to me haha. Although this may sound like a downer it's really not because I feel like a babe now haha. Anyway I finally find the file and as I flip through each photo (deleting as I go); I remember all the happy feelings. Everyone is enjoying themselves and weirdly enough there are a lot of photos of Will. And there's this one photo of Will sitting on the couch with me that struck me. You know how in a lot of photos you can tell it's a fake smile or that they don't want to be in it or that they were caught off guard in a moment of pure joy but would otherwise look...fake. There's a lot of falseness in a photo or you feel like something is missing, your not in that moment with them and I'm a photographer I know what I'm seeing. This photo had none of it. He was looking directly into the lens smiling. You were there with him in that moment. Will Hasn't looked me straight in the eye for close to five years. He just looked happy to be there, no qualms about anything. and I knew everything that happened, everything that changed, everything I did and said and everything he accused me of. I used to think that we weren't really friends and so I didn't really lose anything. But everything that went down wasn't petty hate or drama. I wanted him as a friend again because he was actually my friend for some odd reason. The friend of a hobbit/Orc haha. I miss him. But I know he has changed a lot from the happy-go-lucky guy I saw in that photo.

Bombs are Falling

I've always hated hypocrisy. It's one of the reasons why I am the way that I am. If you tell me I did something wrong I will try and fix it. My sister told me that I had a simple soul and that I was humble and a person who could not be judged because there was nothing to judge me about. I'm glad about that but it was really hard to get there. fighting a daily fight against all my temptations and inclinations. Knowing just how to treat my sinful nature. So when my friends fall on the battle fields I feel like i'm the only one standing strong and I wonder who it's all for. I'm doing it for God. I'm doing it for his Glory, but if no one is seeing my battle and being encouraged then why am i even fighting the little things? It's times like this when I want to scream at the people who are making mistakes. I see the seed of evil and the results are always the same. But the people involved don't make the connection and just think that those consequences are just life and it happens sometimes. That it's normal. Stop thinking it's normal!!! It's not!! You were not made to suffer!!! Not made to suffer through selfishness. As soon as I'm ready to make that judgment call though I'm reminded that only God can do that. I was talking to a friend tonight and was hinting at some things that I'm not proud of him doing. But he really didn't get the hint haha in fact it turned a different direction. I told him that most people don't see their own mistakes even when others point it out to them and he knew he was no exception. I knew it too but I didn't think I had ever really called him out on any of his fall backs. And then he thanked me for it. He said it was kind of an understatement that I didn't say anything. That was basically our conversation and I guess this was God's way of saying that people are watching even if I can't see it. That I had made an impression on someone that I care about and hopefully God could work through that. I'm sad and disappointed about some of the things that he does and the same goes out to a lot of my friends but I still love them. They are so dear to me and I hate seeing them have to go through this. I pray that they make it to the other side.