Massive Attack to the Heart

Sometimes when things are too tough to deal with, you block everything away. Well not everything...you block all the good things about it so that when it comes up all the things you remember are bad and you can just hate it without feeling guilty. I feel like I just had a heart attack. I'm sitting at my grandma's table watching the screen savers on her computer of our lives together and then a picture of me and Will at my sixteenth birthday party comes up. Immediately I'm in search of this file to delete it. But nothing is really labeled as grandma starts to tell me while I frantically scourer the computer for something slightly familiar. As I look through each able I see all these horrible pictures of me. I swear I look like a hobbit. I'm midway between Bilbo and an orc. puberty was not nice to me haha. Although this may sound like a downer it's really not because I feel like a babe now haha. Anyway I finally find the file and as I flip through each photo (deleting as I go); I remember all the happy feelings. Everyone is enjoying themselves and weirdly enough there are a lot of photos of Will. And there's this one photo of Will sitting on the couch with me that struck me. You know how in a lot of photos you can tell it's a fake smile or that they don't want to be in it or that they were caught off guard in a moment of pure joy but would otherwise look...fake. There's a lot of falseness in a photo or you feel like something is missing, your not in that moment with them and I'm a photographer I know what I'm seeing. This photo had none of it. He was looking directly into the lens smiling. You were there with him in that moment. Will Hasn't looked me straight in the eye for close to five years. He just looked happy to be there, no qualms about anything. and I knew everything that happened, everything that changed, everything I did and said and everything he accused me of. I used to think that we weren't really friends and so I didn't really lose anything. But everything that went down wasn't petty hate or drama. I wanted him as a friend again because he was actually my friend for some odd reason. The friend of a hobbit/Orc haha. I miss him. But I know he has changed a lot from the happy-go-lucky guy I saw in that photo.